Children In Church: How Far Is Too Far?

This year, Elizabeth attended all the Triduum Masses (I know, I know, Good Friday is a service, not a Mass...but for ease of writing I'm just gonna lump them all together and say Mass) and Easter morning Mass:

Holy Thursday: 7pm-9pm
Good Friday: 3pm-4:45pm
Easter Vigil (Saturday): 8pm-11:30pm
Easter Morning: 10:30am-11:45am

The Triduum Masses are known to be long, late, and chock full of solemn silence. When I say that combination of words, the phrase "happy toddler" does not exactly jump quickly to my mind. Regardless, I was determined that she be there for all of it. Many people who heard I was doing this immediately told me that it would NOT be a good idea. The words "crazy", "are you out of your mind", and "glad it's you and not me" were all used. And to be honest, I knew they were right. But my stubbornness prevailed and away we went to participate in the most beautiful liturgies of the entire year.

As always, I had this vision of how things would go. It looked something like this:

For the late Masses, we would begin in the cry room and Elizabeth would fall asleep lovingly in Trent's arms. We would then proceed to the main part of Church and partake in the rest of Mass while Elizabeth kept sleeping. Good Friday service would be a breeze: my parents took her to my brother's church since I had to sing at another church. They're really good at keeping her occupied. Done and done.

My plans, of course, failed miserably and nothing went according to how I thought it would. God loves reminding me that I need to trust Him with everything...you'd think I would have learned by now that I should just stop making plans all together.

Would you like to know what actually happened? The good news is that the Good Friday service went extraordinarily well. Why is that, you ask? Because I wasn't there. For some reason Elizabeth behaves amazingly at Mass when I'm not there. Apparently it's normal for toddlers to be extremely whiny around their moms...right? RIGHT? It's normal, RIGHT?? 

The late Masses, on the other hand...let's just say this: thank GOODNESS we were the only ones in the cry room. I ended up crying from frustration during the Vigil at some point...I don't remember exactly when because it's all kind of a blur to me now...Trent was angry...Elizabeth was beyond tired...screaming at decibel levels I didn't know were possible...

Doesn't that just seem like the perfect picture of holiness?

Many people reading this will say at this point: so you've learned your lesson, right? Surely you would never put yourself or your kid through that again.

Yes I would. I would do it again in a heartbeat. And I plan on doing it again every year I possibly can. (Dangit!! I'm making plans again!!! I mean, God, I will do whatever Your will is...)

The following things have been said to me by many people. Allow me to give my responses. And remember: this is what we do in our family. It might not work for yours, and that's fine! It might not even work for ours in the future. Who knows? But just keep in mind that I'm not saying families who don't do what we do are bad. We're all different. I love y'all no matter what!

Q: That's unfair to your child to put her through that. She's just tired and miserable, so why do it?

A: I would agree with this if it was a regular occurrence. But the Triduum only happens once a year. Sure, she'll be cranky for a few hours during the late Masses.She might not get as much sleep for two nights as she normally does. But it's not going to kill her. It won't cause any long term damage. In fact, I really think it's good to be flexible for special occasions. If my out of town family is visiting, for example, Elizabeth might stay up a few hours later than she normally does so they get more time with her. This is no different...I'm just allowing her to stay up later to spend more time with Christ.

Q: You're not getting anything out of Mass when you take her. Don't you think it's better for you to be more spiritually and mentally present to what's going on around you?

A: That's true. I don't feel as emotionally or spiritually "fulfilled" when I'm focusing on keeping my toddler quiet during Mass. But here's the important part: Our goal in Mass should not be to "get something out of it." I always chuckle to myself when I see Christian churches advertising their "worship experience." Since when is it a requirement that Mass is an "experience?" Emotions and feelings change. Priests change. Homilies change. What I'm there for is what never has and never will change: the Eucharist. Jesus is fully present at each and every Mass, no matter how we feel. And I receive Him: body, blood, soul, and divinity, each time I participate. If my spiritual well being were dependent on my "feelings" or "what I get out of it", then I'd be in big trouble.
Also, in my struggles of caring for my toddler during Mass, I am offering up sacrifice, just as Christ did for us on the cross. It connects me more fully to Christ. Would I sometimes rather be basking in the glory of Liturgy? Or listening intently to the priest's homily? Yes. But I know that hardships are something that we can offer up to God.

Q: I think it's actually rude to sit in the front pews of church when you have small children. You're distracting other people from the Mass.

A: I'm most interested in hearing people's opinions about this one. Is it just the few more outspoken church members who feel this way? Or is it truly disrespectful? Here's what I think: I sit in front of church because I am so easily distracted, and that's where I am able to concentrate best. If I have a hard time paying attention during Mass, what's it like for my 16 month old? Sitting near the front, children can really see what's happening. Rather than simply seeing the back of people's heads, they can watch the priest more closely. They can participate in the Mass more fully (to the best of their ability according to their age). Right now, Elizabeth's "participating in Mass" pretty much means she occasionally looks at the altar, points, and says "Mama." But they have to start somewhere.
Going to Mass is not just about us as individuals. It is about the community coming together to worship. Aren't children part of the community? Shouldn't they be included just as much as anyone else?

I understand that a line must be drawn somewhere. Obviously, if a child is screaming or being extremely distracting, parents should remove them. But children, just by being children, simply are distracting, even if they aren't doing anything. Here are our rules (under normal circumstances) at this point (some people might think these are too strict, others might think they are not strict enough. They are what works for our family at this time...no two families are the same!):

• No solid food in church, no matter what age
• Bottles/sippy cups with milk are okay until a certain point. We are just now starting to phase that out since Elizabeth eats regular meals and doesn't need milk every few hours anymore. We've also found that recently, it makes her more cranky when she sees the bottle bag because she wants it.
• Only religious toys and books allowed. Elizabeth has a wooden child's rosary and a few children's prayer books we take. I'm planning on starting to phase some of those out and moving her to books about the Mass for kids starting around age 2, depending on how she does.
• We always sit in front unless the pews are reserved. 
• We only use the cry room as a last resort. If Elizabeth starts getting very loud or persistently crying, we will go to the cry room. I personally hate cry rooms (although the church we go to has probably the best cry room I've ever seen...it's right next to the altar) but I understand their necessity.
• We try not to encourage her to make faces or "play" with other people during Mass, although we don't mind if others are the ones initiating it.
• We don't let her walk around, even if we are in the cry room. She either sits in the pew or we hold her (we broke this rule at the end of the Easter Vigil. She was running all over the place in the cry room because we were so exhausted)

What do you think? I really would like to know. Especially with my last question: is it rude or disrespectful to sit in the front of church with small children? Or even anywhere but the cry room? I often get feedback on Facebook, but feel free to comment on my blog too...I know y'all are out there! :-)