What Our Grandmothers Can Teach Us

Every year March 15, my birthday, comes around, I can't help but think of my Grandparents. My mother's mom, who we called Cor, had her birthday the day before mine, March 14. Many times, we celebrated our special days together. My mother always told me Cor prayed and prayed that I would be born on her birthday. Not quite...but close!

I often think about my grandmothers, and everything they did as mothers. My dad's mother had 7 children, and Cor had 5 (all girls!). I hear stories from my parents about the kinds of meals they made, the activities they did, and the special gatherings they had. Children played outside all day, unsupervised, free to roam through the neighborhood, fields, and woods. They climbed trees and swam in lakes. They made play forts out of sticks and mud. There were no computers or smartphones or iPads. It all sounds so magical to me, as if it took place in some far off distant land, once upon a time.

 I wonder how my grandmothers would be different if they were moms in this day and age. We can no longer allow our children to wander far from our sight for fear of safety. Sticks and mud have difficulty competing with computer games and television. Children are no longer children: due to rapidly growing access to information, they know things (good and bad) that were never even on the radar of kids back then. The temptations they face are far different...instead of fighting the urge to eat that freshly baked cookie or throw a stick at their older siblings, they now internally struggle as to whether or not they should send "sexts" to a boy they like or verbally bash a friend on facebook.

Please don't misunderstand me and think I'm implying that technology is a bad thing, or that children and mothers 50 years ago had it so easy. Technology is wonderful, if used correctly. And our grandmothers had much different challenges they faced that no longer affect mothers today at all. But I look at the way things are now, and I can't help but worry for my children.

I am a grown woman (although I don't act like it...), and the lure of modern technology is sometimes almost impossible for me to ignore:

"I should use this time to pray right now...but that show on Netflix looks soooo good..."

"Wow, I really need to clean my kitchen. But I just got a Facebook notification!"

"Isn't the weather outside GLORIOUS? Oh, that reminds me, I meant to do some Google research on cloud patterns!"

What scares me is that if I am so affected and easily tempted by technology, how can I expect my children to face the same things? They are tiny people who do not have the same amount of self control that adults do! So when I freak out about this sort of thing, I often think:

WWGD?

What would Grandma do?

When it came to raising children, my grandmothers did not sweat the small stuff. They understood that there were things they could indeed control, and others they couldn't. In the end, they had to allow their children to make mistakes. They let their kids climb trees, knowing that there was a possibility they could fall. They understood that, although it was probably full of germs, that puddle in the middle of the street would probably be fine for the kids to play with. Is it possible to have this attitude with technology? Can I just teach my children well and hope that they make the right decisions? Hope that nothing terrible happens to them?

I think: yes and no. Keep in mind that you should take my opinion with a grain of salt...I have a 14 month old, so the issues I deal with in raising children are much simpler than this. Perhaps when Elizabeth gets older, I will look back at this post and laugh at myself for my naiveté. But at this point in my life, based on my own experiences and experiences of others, Here's what I've concluded so far:

1) Children do not yet have the maturity or decision making skills that adults do, so it is imperative that I have strict guidelines and rules regarding their use of technology (especially computers). Have you seen some of the stuff that's on the internet? SCARY. I would like to preserve their childhood as long as possible.

2) That being said, I can't completely shelter them from every possible bad thing out there. Even if I tried, it would be impossible. I have to allow them, at some point, to show their understanding of right and wrong, self control, and good decision making. 

Maybe it's a paradox. I don't know. Maybe I'll figure this whole scary issue out as I go along. I've found that so far in parenting, I have no idea what I'm doing, and Elizabeth is still alive. So that's good...

I guess that's how my Grandmas did mothering. Maybe they, too, were flying by the seat of their pants, having no clear idea of what to do. Maybe they figured out things as they went along. Maybe we aren't so different after all?

I hope that my Grandmothers would approve of how I am raising my children now. Because I do know one thing: there's nothing quite as disheartening s a disapproving Grandma:

Was This Baby Planned?

By far the most popular question people have asked me about this pregnancy has been:

1) "Was this baby planned?"
OR
2) "Was this an accident?"

Regarding the first question:

First of all, yes. All babies are planned. By God. His timing is more perfect than anything we could imagine. And, as in all areas of life, although His timing might not always seem convenient, I think He knows what He's doing way more than I do.

Second of all, to me, this is a HIGHLY personal question that I really don't think people should ask unless they know the mom and dad well. If an expecting couple feels like volunteering that information to you, then that's great. But family planning is a very complicated situation that includes a LOT of factors, many of which are preferred to be kept known only to the mom and dad. It's an emotional process, something that many people forget. Every time you ask parents: "So, how come you haven't given Freddie a little brother or sister yet?" you could be, without realizing it, piercing a knife into their hearts. How do you know they haven't been trying to have a baby, but can't get pregnant again? How do you know if perhaps they have had more pregnancies, but have suffered the terrible and lonely loss of miscarriage?

Regarding the second question:

Was this an accident? How I loathe this question. The term "accident" should never even be in the same sentence when discussing pregnancy.

Accident

Not an accident

Guess what folks? If a man and a woman have sex, they can get pregnant. If they do get pregnant, it means that something went right. Their bodies are working the way they were meant to work. I won't start discussing contraception here, since that's for another blog post. But the fact that calling a baby an "accident" is now commonplace shows how much our culture values human life. And doesn't it just seem strange that "sex" and "babies" are now automatically separated? Maybe we all need to retake Health class.

Everyone needs to realize that these very deep, heavy questions aren't really the subject of small talk. The best way you can react to news of a pregnancy is by showing excitement and support. It's almost guaranteed that the parents are, to some extent, freaked out (depending on the situation, some more than others). I can't tell you how calming it is when people react with joy to our news. It's much nicer than "Wow. You are gonna have your hands full!" or "Jeeze, good luck...you're gonna need it!" I do understand this, and TRUST ME, these thoughts have run through my head far more than they have yours.

So do you want to know if my current pregnancy was planned? I'll answer that like I do to most other people: yes. It was perfectly planned by the One who created our precious baby, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Lent: Overthinking It

I love rules. I'm a huge goody-two-shoes rules-loving nerd. They give me direction, and they help me center myself. Without them, our society as a whole would collapse.

My daughter has (long past) reached the age when she knows what "no" means. She understands that there are rules in our house. I don't care if she pulls stuff out of drawers, but Lawwwwd have mercy, if she TOUCHES our stereo system, she KNOWS there are consequences. She can put her grubby hands all over the windows, I don't care. But if she goes NEAR the steps, well, hell hath no fury like that of a mad momma. You can see that she makes these connections when she very slowly crawls toward the stereo system or the steps, carefully looks around to see if anyone is looking, and then jumps out of her skin when I abruptly say her name.

We must have rules in order to thrive. People often resent this. Why is it, then, that so many normally lukewarm Christians find Lent so fascinating? Lent, after all, is a period of self sacrifice and "rule following."

These are some attitudes I often see during Lent:

or:

Obviously...missing the point. Lent is a time when we make sacrifices in order to more fully unite ourselves with the suffering of Christ. It is to remind us that we must "take up our cross daily and follow Him."We are not all called to be martyrs, but we still need this yearly reminder to discipline our minds and bodies.

On the other hand, especially from Catholics, I see almost an obsession with what the "rules" are regarding fasting and abstinence during Lent. In case you are interested, here are the guidelines:

• Age 18-59: Required to fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday
• Fasting=one full meal, two smaller meals that equal one regular meal, and no eating between meals
• Age 14+: Required to abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and Fridays during Lent
• Increase almsgiving (giving money to the poor/other charitable organizations and donating time)

This is, of course, assuming you have no medical issues that would make it harmful for you to follow these guidelines. I have to admit: I HATE fasting. I probably shouldn't even say that, because it's complaining which Scripture clearly tells us not to do when fasting or almsgiving. Fasting from food is probably the most difficult physical sacrifice that I can make. So a small (or maybe not so small) part of me was pretty pumped when I realized I didn't have to fast since I'm pregnant. 

Story of my life

After thinking about it, though, I realized that I was focusing too much on the "rule" and not enough on what the rule is there for. And quickly after that came a startling realization that life does not revolve around food (gasp!) and there are other non-food related things from which I can fast. 

Sometimes we miss the point of these Lenten guidelines and simply follow them just for the sake of following them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard people say: "Yes! I'm 60! I don't have to fast anymore!!" or "Now, if I eat this sandwich AND chips, does that equal one full meal or just a small meal?" 

This over attention to detail can take away from the meaning of these practices. Of course, the rules are important, and they are there to guide us along the way. But I can't tell you what the best way to observe Lent would be, because what works well for me could be completely wrong for you. What I do for Lent might seem far too extreme for some, or way too easy for others. But what really matters is that I know in my heart what I do helps me to discipline myself and become more aware and thankful for the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. And most importantly, it helps me grow closer to God. 

Should Married Men Be Priests?

The news has been abuzz (is that a word?) about Fr. Wissam Akiki, the first ordained married man for the United States Maronite Catholic Church. When I initially heard this, my first reaction was: "Oh great, the media is going to be ALL OVER this. Before you know it they'll be saying that the Church now allows horses and dogs to be ordained as Catholic priests." (Okay, a bit of an exaggeration....but not really). You can read about Fr. Akiki's ordination here.

Before I get into my opinions on this matter, which I know you are all just DYING to read, I'd like to clear up a few misconceptions many people have regarding the priesthood:

• Latin Rite vs Eastern Rite

There are two "types" of rites in the Catholic Church: Latin (Roman Catholic, what we typically have in the United States and Western part of the world) and Eastern. Both types are considered Catholic and are in "full communion" with Rome, meaning they recognize Peter as the first Pope and the succession of Popes up to the present day. (Since Fr. Akiki was part of the Eastern Rite, he was permitted to be ordained)

• Celibacy is a discipline, not a doctrine 

Discipline: instruction, system of teaching or of law, given under the authority of the Church [which] can be changed with the approval of proper authority.

Doctrine: teaching of the Church on matters of faith and morals. All such teaching—or at least the basis for it—was handed down to the Church by Jesus and the apostles prior to the death of the last apostle. Scripture refers to doctrine as "the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints" (Jude 1:3). Doctrine can develop over time as the Church comes to understand it better—but it cannot change. No one—not even the pope—has the authority to change doctrine. (Taken from catholic.com)

If it were a doctrine (meaning it is true for everyone), there would be no room for change (example: women becoming priests is a doctrine. So women never have and never will become priests. That's for another blog post). Celibacy is a discipline that has been deemed to be spiritually beneficial by the bishops in the Latin Rite, so it is typically required for priesthood ordination in the United States. However, the Eastern Rite has held a tradition that allows married men to become priests. (Note: once you become a priest, however, you cannot get married).

Okay, so with that out of the way, many people want to know: If it IS possible for priests to get married, why doesn't the Church just get with the times and let them do it??

Well, here are MY reasons why I don't think priests should get married. I'm sure Pope Francis has been tossing and turning at night over this so when he reads my blog hopefully this will clear it up for him. Hi, Papa Francis! Remember we have plans for lunch next week.

The priesthood is a vocation, not a job. 

Choosing the religious life (priesthood or religious sister) is a lifelong, life changing decision. Just like marriage. To me, it simply doesn't make sense to do both. A priest who is married simply cannot give 100% of his energy and attention to both his family AND his church. It's different than a job...many people have a job and a family and do just fine. People who do have a job must decide which will be their priority: their job, or their family. Usually, people choose family first (and typically, those who don't will see that their family life suffers). It wouldn't be fair to anyone if a priest was forced to choose between his family and his church.

Priests are already married. To the Church.

When my brother became a priest, my family and I naively thought that since he would never be married, we would get to spend a lot more time with him. We quickly realized how wrong we were. Catholic priests are completely linked to their Church in every way. By becoming a priest, they are literally giving their life to the Church. Much like being a husband or a parent, they are on call 24/7. Mass can ONLY be celebrated with a priest. They must be completely committed to the Church, just like husbands must be completely committed to their wives.

The symbolism of their sacrifice is SO BEAUTIFUL.

The Eucharist is the center of every Catholic's life. We believe that at every Mass, the bread and wine literally become the body and blood of Jesus. When I say literally, I mean LITERALLY. As in, Catholics used to be executed for cannibalism when they participated in Mass. When the priest holds up the bread and wine toward the heavens and it changes into Christ's flesh and blood, it's one of the most beautiful images on this Earth. And it's just so Christlike to see a man who has sacrificed his WHOLE LIFE, including his ability to have a family, imitating Jesus Himself at the last supper. Christ's bride is the Church...same thing for priests.

99% of the people who complain about Priesthood celibacy are not, in fact, priests.

No one is forced into the priesthood (at least, they shouldn't be). The seminary alone typically takes at least 6 years to complete, and that's after 4 years of college. These men have thought about their decision. A LOT. They have had plenty of time to consider what they are getting into. They have chosen this path, and they understand what comes with it. Does that mean they will never struggle with it? No. But I will tell you that a great majority of priests are happy, peaceful men. They love their lives and would not change it if they could. The media likes to tell us differently, grossly skewing the percentage of priests who have had issues with the celibate life. But if you pay attention to reality, you will find something much different. You will see that these men have a clarity and love for life about them that is difficult to find anywhere else. 

So, in conclusion (apparently I'm writing a research paper), I love this discipline of the Church. And I think it's awesome that we have still held true to this discipline even though it goes against pretty much everything society tells us what we should do. And the fact that there are still people out there who love the Church so much that they are willing to give up this part of their lives is AMAZING to me. It is more Christlike than we can find anywhere else. 

Man Bashing Culture

I've never been that great at math (or really any subject except music), but here's my equation for the day:

I'm not a feminist in the modern sense. I don't believe that men and women are the same. I think it's fine to let girls play with dolls and boys play with blocks. I love wearing makeup and dresses and jewelry. I enjoy making dinner for my family every day. More than anything else I do, being a wife and mother are the most important jobs in my life. And unfortunately, many women today think this view is shameful and degrading to women. 

This is because people automatically think that the statement "Men and women are not equal" means the same thing as this:

OR

It doesn't. It simply means they are not the same. They are different. Just like an apple and an orange are different. And that's a GOOD THING! God made us this way. 

Those of you who knew me as a younger girl might be saying: "Hey. Wait a sec. You were the one who was always playing with bugs, wearing overalls with t-shirts, rolling in the mud, wrestling with other neighbors, and carrying around your older brother's alien action figures." Yes, I know. I used to be a tomboy. I would not have been caught dead in a dress. My mother had to force me to make myself look presentable (as in, not looking like I had just crawled out of a garbage dump). 

So I understand better than most that some people are naturally more "feminine" or "masculine" than others. But regardless of how much a woman enjoys her pearls, the fact of the matter is that women and men are not, and never will be, the same. Should they be shown equal love and respect? Of course. But are they able to do absolutely anything just as well as the opposite sex can? Not so much.

In particular, the role of a mother and a father are two completely different and vital roles that help shape a child. A mother simply cannot give her child the same values and lessons that a father can. Similarly, a father cannot help his child grow and learn in the same way that a mother does. This is why it is always a sad situation when families grow up without a mother or a father figure. Single parents, or families where either the mother or father are not emotionally or physically present (i.e., alcoholic, deployed, health issues, etc)  have the toughest job in the world because they are expected to do a job that is virtually impossible: be two people at once.

Society completely disregards these important roles in a family and thinks they can be filled by anyone. What really sparked my interest in this was the Olympic "Thanks Mom" commercials. My immediate thoughts after seeing these commercials were this:

1) Wow, that's awesome that they are showing so much appreciation for their moms.

2) But wait...what about the dads? Don't they have something to do with it too?

I really do think we live in a "man bashing" culture. It's just fine to give women credit for a job well done, but if a man does it? No big deal. Women can complain about the agony of childbirth or periods or PMS, but if a man complains about an ailment? He's being a wimp. And it's even worse for fathers. When a woman is pregnant, she must go through all the physical, emotional, and mental upheavals while the baby grows inside of her and after the baby is born. What does the man do? According to society, he has sex with her and gets her pregnant. And that's about it.

Well, I don't agree. I think that fathers go through the bad stuff too, except they are not allowed to say anything about it. Because if they do, God forbid, then we yell at them: "Excuse me, are YOU the one with an 8 pound watermelon inside of your uterus?" or "I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I'm too busy trying not to vomit for the fifth time today." or "Oh, poor thing, it must have been really difficult for you to contribute your genetic material to our baby." (By the way, yes, I've said all these things to my poor husband in my less-than-holy moments).

When I watch my child or someone I love suffer, I feel so helpless. It's the worst feeling in the world. That must be how most fathers feel as they watch their partners go through a difficult pregnancy, birth, postpartum depression, or even things like severe periods or PMS. In these cases, fathers imitate the Blessed Virgin Mary, when she had to stand by and watch her son suffer and die.

In writing this, I realize that I am EXTREMELY blessed to have an amazing, supportive husband who is an exemplary father. I also grew up in a family where my own father was always there for me and loved me unconditionally. I understand that sadly not all fathers (or mothers, for that matter) are like this. Unfortunately, there is some truth to society's skewed view of a father's limited role in his family simply because there are men who just want to use a woman's body for their own instant gratification and be done with it. If the woman gets pregnant, well, she's on her own. But I don't think it's fair that all the good fathers out there must suffer because of the small percentage of bad guys. 

Why don't we say this more often:

 Just as much as moms.
What you bring to a family is essential and unable to be filled by anyone else, even mom.

You are your daughter's knight in shining armor.
You are your son's role model for what it means to be a man.

Your children look up to you in a way they do to no one else.
Your family appreciates everything you do (even though they might not always show it).

It's great that you like sports or hunting or video games or stupid movies like "Top Gun" that most women just don't get. You add something different to your family that no one else can.

And most of all:

I Can('t) Do Anything!!

My mother has always told me that since the time I could form sentences, I informed anyone who would listen of my dream to become a veterinarian. I was overly obsessed with in love with animals of every kind. As I grew up, I loved bugs, reptiles, and any creepy crawly things that came my way. The company of cats and dogs was much preferable than that of people. Horses and cows amazed me. I devoured books by James Herriot and other veterinarian authors. I even had a computer game about being a vet.

My veterinarian dreams continued with vigor throughout my childhood. I was determined. I KNEW this was what I was meant to do.

Then a funny thing happened. I took Biology my freshman year of high school. And I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. So with a sad heart, I began to rethink my veterinarian dream.

To this day, if you talk to me about anything related to science, I blank out. Because you might as well be speaking Greek to me. I don't get it. My brain is not wired for it. It's EXHAUSTING.

Fast forward ten years. I now have a daughter who is reaching the age when her personality is REALLY starting to show! I am beginning to see what kind of person she will be like in the years to come, and often wonder what talents she will have. Will she be musical (please, please, please, Lord, make it so!)? Will she enjoy cooking? Sports? Dancing? Or will she like...**dun, dun, dun dun dun dun...** science?? 

She loves to read books ("book" was one of her first real words, right after "no"), and I'm quickly becoming familiar with the "standards" of children's literature. A recurring theme that I see is this: "You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to!"

And...I don't like it. I don't buy it. I don't think it's true.

WAIT! Hear me out for a sec before you angrily click the "close" button and label me as an anti-American or a grinch or a pessimist!

Anyone remember "Monster's University?" Mike Wazowski prepared his whole life to be a world class scarer. He studied harder than anyone else. He stayed focused. His eye (ha) was on the prize. Eventually, though, through much soul searching, he realized he just wasn't scary. He was not made to be a scarer. And no matter how hard he tried, it wasn't going to happen.

God creates each and every one of us. He makes our personalities, body types, and talents. He made us the way we are because He has a plan for our lives. And we can fight against that plan all we want. But in the end, if we choose the path that God has chosen for us, we will find contentment.

So really, this is GOOD news! To me, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have the talents, interests, and passions I do because God put them there to help me accomplish His plan for me. I don't have to struggle and fight tooth and nail to be interested in science. I can nurture the talents and interests that God DID give me, and enjoy life so much more in the process. Mike Wazowski eventually found something he loved, and he thrived.

Now does this mean that life will be all sunshine and roses and skipping if we follow God's plan for us? Of course not. We will still have to work our tushes off. We will still have obstacles. We will still have bad days when we fall to our knees, raise our eyes to the heavens, and dramatically cry out: "WHY AM I DOING THIS??!!" But I truly believe that when we cooperate with our Lord, even if his plan does not coincide with ours (which, let's face it, happens most of the time because us humans like to think that we know better), things will fall into place. Our hearts will be full. And dag nabbit, we'll be good at what we do!

So when I read books to my daughter, I'm going to try to help her realize what she really needs to strive for. Instead of asking what she wants for her life, she needs to ask what God wants. Once she figures that out, all she will need is the courage to:

For the record, I'm not a Star Trek fan.
This is my feeble attempt to encourage my husband to like my blog.
I never said I was below cheap tricks.

And let's hope that God's plan does not include any veterinary paths. Because with my genetics, let's just say that it probably ain't gonna happen.

Hi!

Well hi there! I have been reading and following blogs for many years now. I've always wanted to start my own, but never thought it would "work out." Well, dag nabit, I'm determined now, so THERE.

So...I tend to go on rants, I'm pretty random, and I feel very passionately about many things. If you like that, please follow along! A little bit about myself:

• I'm a CA-THO-LIC. Of the Roman kind. But, I'm not Roman...wait, what? I have a pretty cool story of how I came to love the Catholic Church, but I'll save it for another time. I LOVE having (FRIENDLY!) debates and (LOGICAL!) discussions about Church teachings...so you'll probably find a lot of that on here. 

Hi, Jesus!

• I'm the wife of a saintly husband…I often say that I understand how St. Joseph must have felt living with perfect people…the fact that my husband can put up with me day to day is, in itself, proof of God's existence. Our long-lasting courtship is a pretty neat-o (and complicated) story, beginning at the young age of 15…but again, I'll save that for another time.

• I'm a momma of three babies:
• A baby girl, Catherine, who is in heaven
• A day-after-Christmas baby girl (who I will call "E") who just turned one year old
• A gender-yet-to-be-determined (but everyone thinks she's a girl which probably means he's a boy) baby in mah belly (or, as my very literal and sciencey husband says: UTERUS) who is due August 1, 2014

"E"

Baby Catherine

Baby #3

•  I REALLY loooove to cook...but I REALLY haaaaate to clean...you can see how this is a problem

This is me cleaning the dishes

• I'm kind of obsessed with my dog (100lb bear to be exact) and it's my (not so) secret hope that she and my children will be best friends

So sit back, relax, and enjoy! These are my thoughts…and fair warning: my brain is a weird, scary, random place…so exercise caution!!